Monday, February 10, 2014

Maybe all i have to do now is holding on to FAITH.


Left alone at home today (there's another hse mate but she's always on her own,lol). As usual, i will do the laundry, taking care of the hse chores and finally take my breakfast. After that, i start doing/checking on my thesis. When i'm done with my thesis, i surf internet as usual but i dont know what's going into my minds, out of the blue i randomly wanna search/stalk/etc abt him. I have a feeling where i'm thinking "just for fun only" but guess what i actually stumble into something. I was like wtfffff! Not sure what did God trying to tell me this me! Now i have this mixed feelings, that i don't know how or what are my emotions now? I'm stunt and I don't know. I don't know how to explain this feeling. It feels like i just being shot on my head or maybe my body?! All i know, i feel so small, so little, like i'm not even worth it. I'm nobody. I'm no one. A fool.

Early this morning received a call from mom. I miss her, i know she misses me too! We don't talk that much though, just normal conversation. I cried right after she hung up the phone. I felt so lost now. I really can't see where's my life going. This whole thing making me struggling way too much. I felt so left behind. I cried as loud as i could, as much i want, till my tears dry on its own. I thought i'm strong and stronger. Actually i'm not! I'm not! I breaking down, I'm so torn apart, my life was a mess! Every day, i laughs and smiles as if nothing really bother me. But only God knows how worry am i, how lost am i, how scare am i, about my life. I can't see my life in the next future. Yes! We can't predict the future, it's God plan. But at least, people do have their own plan and then leave it on God's will, right?! But i don't even have one!!! How pathetic! Why am i such a fool? Why can't i get my life together? Where did all the dreams and hopes that i used to have gone to? Why things like this happened, always happened to me? I must have commit too much sins. God is testing me right now,right? God prepared me to a better life, isn't He? I will be as optimist as I could. I will try my best to see the bright sight of all these. I will do my best. I will. God is always with me,right?

Oh God, I'm thankful to you for making me the most patience person. After all the pains in these whole years, after all the obstacles that I've been through and tears i've cried. You always remind me to be patient. You've given me a very high level of patience that i don't even know its limit. Through all the problems i have encountered day by day, You showed that there's always a solution to it. When i have reasons to cry and be sad, You showed me that there are millions reasons to smile and be happy. Maybe I'm blind sometimes, I don't see what are You trying to give/tell me.
Deep down, I know it's for the better.

And I know that You won't give me a test that i can't handle. It will be hard, Your test are always hard. But You know that i can pass through it, didn't You? This was just a small test, isn't it? I'm a sinner, i know. From time to time, i will be a more good person for You. I will make You proud. Please Forgive Me. And again thank you for giving me bless, all this while, for still letting me breath every day, taking care of me despite all these confusions/emotions i have. I know, You've been preparing something better and worth for me in the nearest future,right?. I know that, I know.
I have Faith in You. 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Why



Yes! You can't do that!! You can't just come into my life like a sudden struck of lightning. Making me feel numb of your feelings. Letting me break down my walls just so you can come in and make a new beginning with me. I saw you trying hard to get my attention, i saw the way you sacrifice yourself for me, i saw you doing things for me. In the end i fell for you, i fell you. I finally give you the key. The key to my heart. I let you hold the trigger with hopes you won't pull it towards me. You said, we'll be together. You said we'll be good. You made me believe! You made me believe that i can love again, that i can trust again. But why? Why did you do this to me? Why are you being so cruel? After all that i did for you, after i gave you the chance to start anew with me, why did you broke your words? Why did you pull the triggers towards me? Why would you kill me? After all this while, does everything that you said are even real??? Why? Why did you disguise yourself as an angel if you aren't at the first place??? Why would you made me believe that it is all real??? Why would you make me cry like this? This bad. Why? Have you ever think how hurt it was to be treated like this? Like everything was never happened, but deep down in my heart, for once, it was something that meant a lot to me. Why would you push me away if you cared? All these tears, would you explained me why you put it there? Why? Why?