Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Emotions

And so far, life was not good enough :/
and by that i mean, 
(Lemme make a chapter by chapter in this post)

The Emotions:
I'm having sort of emotion problem wtff! I'm not saying i'm mentally crazy or psycho lol! You know, i had my heart broke early this month! What an epic new year gift :( Yes!! That's right. As you can see in my previous post, which also my first post in 2014, it was quite an emotional post right? But i've tried my best to make it more positive by giving myself more encouragement, mehh~ Anyway, as time passes by, i was still like that. Despite of all the words of encouragement i made for myself (including: posting up quotes in my fb/instagram/wechat moment/EVEN on my wall next to my bed,wtff) I'm still sucks with my emotions :/ I dont know and totally have no idea why i took so long to let it go and move on this time. Every night when i go to bed, i keep in my mind that "Tomorrow when i wake up, it will be another new day and I'll leave all this sadness behind cause yesterday had gone" BUT as soon as i wake up the next morning ...... I found myself longing for the guy more and more and more. Like so much that i wanna cry myself out and shout his name and my mind was like "I miss him so damn much i wanna cry and just hug him already" WTF!!. How do i move on like this? It happened almost every morning. And the worst part is, i can't let myself free/alone. That's when i started to replay all the 'short' memories we had,wtffffff!!! I hate this. Do you have any idea how much it hurts every time this happened? Oh Gosh! Only God knows how it feels. It feels like i wanna knock my head and pull him away from my mind. I found him lingers in my mind all the time, though it's been quite awhile now (not yet a month but almost :/) . You know a month was such a long time when you miss someone, dont you? blehh! I was so down at times, thinking what could have been if i could turn back time and maybe refuse to get to know him. Maybe i wouldnt feel this way. I will continue living my happy life (that i build so hard) but apparently all those walls that i put up, i break it down for him and i actually told my heart; "Let's give him a chance", which now could be the other bad decision i ever made :( . I know deep down, i never want to regret meeting/knowing him. I blame myself for putting high hope and expectations on him that it ends up to my disappointment now. Sigh. 

The Accompany x Positive Thought:
God shows me, there's still reasons to smile and be happy and to GET UP after all the pains that i encounters. There's some ppl i always turn to when i sad or miss him too much. Let me introduce them mmm..

 'The Elder Sister'. She was my senior during our college time though we are not close back at that time, but we are now (there's a reason for it though). Anyway, she's always there to calm me and giving me sort of positive thought. She replied to my emotion/sucks texts all the time and pick up my calls and patiently listening to my emotion level 100 and all the sadness and whatever whatever. Even if she's just back from work she will always be there to listen to me. I always feel relieved and better after letting out all my concern to her. i actually feel stable, my emotion kinda back to normal whenever i talk to her. It was good cause she will give me advices and the accompany she gave me by listening made me feels calm, all the time. She once gave me a quotes which written "Never Give Up On Someone You Can't Go A Day Without Thinking About". She gave this quote when i'm about to give up and she always remind me to always have a positive thought in my mind. Though right now, i couldn't hold any longer to the quote that she gave me but my heart still finding a little hope whenever my head says give up now.

 "Sis Natty". I can always count on her. She's always by my side. The one who will lend me her shoulder to cry on. Though she's away in Chiang Mai but she always make her time for me. Giving support and try everything she could to make me smile again. I couldn't ask for more from her. She reminds me that I'm worth it. She thoughts me to love myself, to respect myself before anything else. She made me realize that Myself are priceless and I worth more. She always told me to love myself first before loving others. She called me Rina Strong. It opens my eyes. I'm that Tough Cookie. Why am i so weak now? :/

"The Senyorita". Well that's what she calls herself,lol. She always made me laugh. Every time, i told her "hey, i miss him :( " . She will always find a way to make me laugh and actually forget to miss him. Nevertheless, she also finding the best idea/solution to solve my heartache. She's the one who always says "Give it a try Rina" , "Never give up for something/someone you love" , "Try your best before giving up" , " Don't give up too soon" , "Don't waste you effort by giving up now". You see, i can remember most of it, cause she keeps on saying the same things all over again! And it gives me a slight hope to try again and again and again even though i was already tired of trying (sort of waiting for miracle to happen, zzz).

I somehow feel a little relieve with their thoughts. Though nobody can actually feel how hurt it was but the accompany and positive thoughts that rain on me, i must say that i couldn't feel anything else but so blessed! When i fall down to my knee God shows me the people who cares. (Well uhm i'm not the type of person who going around brag about my problem/heartache, that's why i feel bless when the people i open up to actually the people who care about me) *tears* :') . 

The Move On:
Ok, i'm still not quite sure about this, wtf!!!! Every single day i told myself "Let's move on today" , "Take a Deep Breath and Let It Go" and so many shitsssss BUT it never worked out cause he still lingers in my mind,  pretty much, like 'muchnessss' . And to make it as more stupid story; Today i had a nightmare that he was engaged to a kinda 'big' lady that was set up by his family and he actually just agree with it. WTF!!!NO!! I saw that happening in front of my eyes (like it's on tv wtf), i watch him and that lady ride on a motorcycle (wtf) and leave the place. The next thing i know, i was done watching them (as i can no longer see them), turn my head to the bed next to me and saw him laying down, watching that tv with me and just relaxing and chill without any emotions (omg). I woke up with big eyes and laying down on my bed thinking; What kind of dream is this (what does it tries to tell me)? Is that real (the engaged)? What if it's happen (that engaged thing)? and then i put myself in a bad emotion AGAIN. Keep on thinking about it and more and more other things, like what if he already has a new girlfriend, what if he get back with his loooooooong lost ex girlfriend, what if THIS AND THAT, so many what ifs in my minds (which are all negatives). And i was so devastated. I dont know what was happening to me :'(  . I can't see myself completely moving on yet. Maybe it takes some time. Yet, i have no idea what so special about him that i couldn't let go till now. Hmm.. Maybe it's my hopes and expectations that hurts me way too much. Shame on me. :/ 

The Me:
Wtf is this? I don't know! This post was kinda absurd but that's what happening to me and I'm absurd now. Like literally. No!! Just needed some time maybe to find my way back, to find myself back. Uh Oh.. As you can see in my olddddd post, i'm now sort of living alone. Talking more about this, let me tell you, I actually started to love the spirit of living alone/independently. When i had my heart broken early this year, i was actually at my hometown. I found myself so broke down that there's nothing i can do about it even after all the words of encouragements and self recovery that i did. So i decided to get back to my house now as soon as possible, so that i can count on myself, to find peace and calm within myself, all by myself. Slowly, i see that shadow to my way back, though it was still blur but i think i started to see the road. I found out, I'm comfortable like this. I hate being lonely and alone (to me alone and lonely hold two different meanings)  but sometime being alone is all i need to recover the pains i had. I need to see and think all the possibilities on my own. With no one by my side (they are not exactly next to me but invisibly there to care) to tap my shoulder and tell me "hey you're wrong/right", in fact they are just there to advice without affecting my decision. I know, whatever my decisions are they will standing still with me. AND now it feels, for the time being, i don't wanna go home (hometown) yet. I want to stay here for awhile finding myself that lost; the missing part of my life that i've been searching all this while, my dreams and my hopes, my future (that still blurry). I need to find myself that was lost. I'm lost, so lost. 

The Freilos':
It means goodbye in German, i began to love this word; Freilos. I dont know why. Maybe because i never stop saying goodbye. It ends here for this post. I became a little emotional by the time i type 'The Me' chapter, lol! I never stop being emotional wtffff!! I need to get rid of it. I still remember telling one of my close friend to stop being so emotional and just be happy. But now, it happens the other way around. So that friend told me, "If I Can Do It, You Can Too". So irony and life was so crazy. It is sure as hell was a wheel!

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