Monday, April 14, 2014

Reminiscing


Hi :)
Have you ever take a moment of your busy schedule and reminiscing about your life. Nope, you don't need to reminisce the story of 10 years ago, just reminisce your life a year ago. Yes! A year ago. I'm back home. Every day, i sit/lie down quietly on my bed thinking about my life a year ago, how different it was compare to now. The only drastic change i have was leaving home and live independently (sort of,lol). But it does change everything. So while i sitting down, looking around my room, all these stuffs that i barely touch, those books, toys, flowers,etc etc. How long has it been since i left home? Not that long though but it changed, it changes so much. At least for myself. I changed so much, so much that sometimes take a moment of silent to reminisce the old time. However, I'm sure I'm not the only one who have to get through this, am I? 

Things happened and it does changes people. Either we learn enough or we received too much pain. As for me, I don't know. All i know, time flies and it changes everything. I've gone through enough pain and learnt so much. I don't want to get burn by the same flame twice. However i think i got burned by the same flame for so many times, like 100000000th times??? (sigh).

Anyway, uhmm... Don't bother so much about it. We learn from experience. That's how we move on with life. Life goes on anyway. So i guess that's it. I lost my idea of what to write :/






ok bye!


Sunday, March 2, 2014

I've lost you once, if i lose you again, i think i can handle it .

Monday, February 10, 2014

Maybe all i have to do now is holding on to FAITH.


Left alone at home today (there's another hse mate but she's always on her own,lol). As usual, i will do the laundry, taking care of the hse chores and finally take my breakfast. After that, i start doing/checking on my thesis. When i'm done with my thesis, i surf internet as usual but i dont know what's going into my minds, out of the blue i randomly wanna search/stalk/etc abt him. I have a feeling where i'm thinking "just for fun only" but guess what i actually stumble into something. I was like wtfffff! Not sure what did God trying to tell me this me! Now i have this mixed feelings, that i don't know how or what are my emotions now? I'm stunt and I don't know. I don't know how to explain this feeling. It feels like i just being shot on my head or maybe my body?! All i know, i feel so small, so little, like i'm not even worth it. I'm nobody. I'm no one. A fool.

Early this morning received a call from mom. I miss her, i know she misses me too! We don't talk that much though, just normal conversation. I cried right after she hung up the phone. I felt so lost now. I really can't see where's my life going. This whole thing making me struggling way too much. I felt so left behind. I cried as loud as i could, as much i want, till my tears dry on its own. I thought i'm strong and stronger. Actually i'm not! I'm not! I breaking down, I'm so torn apart, my life was a mess! Every day, i laughs and smiles as if nothing really bother me. But only God knows how worry am i, how lost am i, how scare am i, about my life. I can't see my life in the next future. Yes! We can't predict the future, it's God plan. But at least, people do have their own plan and then leave it on God's will, right?! But i don't even have one!!! How pathetic! Why am i such a fool? Why can't i get my life together? Where did all the dreams and hopes that i used to have gone to? Why things like this happened, always happened to me? I must have commit too much sins. God is testing me right now,right? God prepared me to a better life, isn't He? I will be as optimist as I could. I will try my best to see the bright sight of all these. I will do my best. I will. God is always with me,right?

Oh God, I'm thankful to you for making me the most patience person. After all the pains in these whole years, after all the obstacles that I've been through and tears i've cried. You always remind me to be patient. You've given me a very high level of patience that i don't even know its limit. Through all the problems i have encountered day by day, You showed that there's always a solution to it. When i have reasons to cry and be sad, You showed me that there are millions reasons to smile and be happy. Maybe I'm blind sometimes, I don't see what are You trying to give/tell me.
Deep down, I know it's for the better.

And I know that You won't give me a test that i can't handle. It will be hard, Your test are always hard. But You know that i can pass through it, didn't You? This was just a small test, isn't it? I'm a sinner, i know. From time to time, i will be a more good person for You. I will make You proud. Please Forgive Me. And again thank you for giving me bless, all this while, for still letting me breath every day, taking care of me despite all these confusions/emotions i have. I know, You've been preparing something better and worth for me in the nearest future,right?. I know that, I know.
I have Faith in You. 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Why



Yes! You can't do that!! You can't just come into my life like a sudden struck of lightning. Making me feel numb of your feelings. Letting me break down my walls just so you can come in and make a new beginning with me. I saw you trying hard to get my attention, i saw the way you sacrifice yourself for me, i saw you doing things for me. In the end i fell for you, i fell you. I finally give you the key. The key to my heart. I let you hold the trigger with hopes you won't pull it towards me. You said, we'll be together. You said we'll be good. You made me believe! You made me believe that i can love again, that i can trust again. But why? Why did you do this to me? Why are you being so cruel? After all that i did for you, after i gave you the chance to start anew with me, why did you broke your words? Why did you pull the triggers towards me? Why would you kill me? After all this while, does everything that you said are even real??? Why? Why did you disguise yourself as an angel if you aren't at the first place??? Why would you made me believe that it is all real??? Why would you make me cry like this? This bad. Why? Have you ever think how hurt it was to be treated like this? Like everything was never happened, but deep down in my heart, for once, it was something that meant a lot to me. Why would you push me away if you cared? All these tears, would you explained me why you put it there? Why? Why?

Friday, January 31, 2014

I'm Absurd


I was watching The Notebook online, started to enjoy the movie and already into the love spirits of it and maybe ready to cry on the sad/sensitive/emotional parts,lol. Suddenly my internet line started to bicthing wtfff! Not allowing me to watch further of this awesome movie. Wait for it to resume for abt 30 mins but it wont duhhh. So i decided to close that tab and just blogging instead, wtff. 

I have no idea, why i get the blogging mojo out of sudden. I might be way toooo bored now. Plus all these emotions i had, probably giving out the power for me to blog, lol!!!! Except, all the posts are craps and too damn emotional =,=" . At least, this is my other options, rather than keep on telling people (the 3 person in previous post) abt how fragile i am, wtfff. They can throw up by listening to my story again and again,lol!!!


Was a hot day today. Oh come on Rina! Head up Princess! Your tiara is falling!!


There was an anchor inside me. It pull me down, so hard. I need to let go of this anchor or i will die. 


I'm absurd. That's what i learned about me today. Or maybe yesterday.

Just the girls


Oh Hi again XD
I just wanna share how grown up I am , wtfff lolllll
Despite of all the heart breaks and shitss which made me look immature 
(yes im kinda immature i guess)
But heyy i'm grown up now! I'm a lady. You get me? A lady! A Woman! (lol)
ok whatever.

So my point is, it's how much I have grown up :o . I realized these recent years, my friends and I have talked so much, wayyyy toooo muuuch about our future, Like what's going to happen in the next few years?. Another examples; Who's gonna start working first? Where will we be in few years after this? Where will we settle down? Who's gonna get marry first? Who's gonna pregnant first? Who will we marry?  Will we be fat after we got marry? Will we still be friend like now after years? AND it continues as; "We must attend each other wedding ok" , "If any of us get pregnant at the same time, our children must be friend too, let them play together" , Dont stop posting photos cause we wanna see how we look like, who's getting fat or thin or maintain" , "We must make a reunion after being apart in the future" , "Maybe we will stumble on each other, with you carrying your children/babies and I was pregnant or the other way around". But the best part was when they said "Even if time flies and we are apart, I know when we meet again, we will always be crazy" , "Yeah we are crazy together". 

This conversations, keep on repeating day after day. We never got bored of it. We could talk about it this morning, and tonight and again the next morning. It's wonderful how life had bring you girls to my life. Every time i think of our conversation, i couldn't imagine how would it really be when we are already apart. I will miss all of our memories together. We had gone through hardship and good times together and how we always protected, helped, take care, coax each other, it made me want us to stay like this for more longer time. Yes it's true, we are crazy together. All we did was laughing, we can enjoy walking under the hot sun, we can laugh under the heavy rain, simply because we have each other and there's so much to talk about. We bought matching shirts, shorts, rings, bracelets, sandals, shoes. We enjoy shopping together. We stand by each other side during the hard times, we cry together, we got angry together, we advices each other and most importantly we love each other. That's all that matters :)

I really do will miss you girls :')

I don't know how to end this post cause i have so much in minds, lol. Every single day we created more and more crazy, funny, sweet memories together. I just couldn't close my eyes to the things that we did when we are together. I simply love the feelings when I'm with them. I could forget my sadness/problems for a little while. 





Happy Chinese New Year :)


Happy Chinese New Year everyone!
It's year of the Wooden Horse :)
uhmm..not my chinese zodiac sign tho lol
but anyway, as usual i'll leave a link of the 
Chinese Zodiac Sign Prediction of this year below!
So for those who a very very very interested in it
make sure you follow/click the link and
 fnd out your luck in 2014 of the chinese calender 

(having a hard time looking for the image of cute horse and this is all i got lol, Though it looks like some sort of greeting card or what so ever, it still looks cute, dont they? :D)

*click >> 2014 FENG SHUI 

Have fun reading on your animal zodiac sign :)

p/s: Mine was the monkey (now guess my age bahahahhaa)

Again, Gong Hei Fatt Choi!!
May the year bring us lots more wealth and good vibes
Good health and more happiness :)
AND LOTS MORE POSITIVITY~


Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Emotions


Hello!
And so far, life was not good enough :/
and by that i mean, 
(Lemme make a chapter by chapter in this post)
bahahahhahaha!!!!!

The Emotions:
I'm having sort of emotion problem wtff! I'm not saying i'm mentally crazy or psycho lol! You know, i had my heart broke early this month! What an epic new year gift :( Yes!! That's right. As you can see in my previous post, which also my first post in 2014, it was quite an emotional post right? But i've tried my best to make it more positive by giving myself more encouragement, mehh~ Anyway, as time passes by, i was still like that. Despite of all the words of encouragement i made for myself (including: posting up quotes in my fb/instagram/wechat moment/EVEN on my wall next to my bed,wtff) I'm still sucks with my emotions :/ I dont know and totally have no idea why i took so long to let it go and move on this time. Every night when i go to bed, i keep in my mind that "Tomorrow when i wake up, it will be another new day and I'll leave all this sadness behind cause yesterday had gone" BUT as soon as i wake up the next morning ...... I found myself longing for the guy more and more and more. Like so much that i wanna cry myself out and shout his name and my mind was like "I miss him so damn much i wanna cry and just hug him already" WTF!!. How do i move on like this? It happened almost every morning. And the worst part is, i can't let myself free/alone. That's when i started to replay all the 'short' memories we had,wtffffff!!! I hate this. Do you have any idea how much it hurts every time this happened? Oh Gosh! Only God knows how it feels. It feels like i wanna knock my head and pull him away from my mind. I found him lingers in my mind all the time, though it's been quite awhile now (not yet a month but almost :/) . You know a month was such a long time when you miss someone, dont you? blehh! I was so down at times, thinking what could have been if i could turn back time and maybe refuse to get to know him. Maybe i wouldnt feel this way. I will continue living my happy life (that i build so hard) but apparently all those walls that i put up, i break it down for him and i actually told my heart; "Let's give him a chance", which now could be the other bad decision i ever made :( . I know deep down, i never want to regret meeting/knowing him. I blame myself for putting high hope and expectations on him that it ends up to my disappointment now. Sigh. 

The Accompany x Positive Thought:
God shows me, there's still reasons to smile and be happy and to GET UP after all the pains that i encounters. There's some ppl i always turn to when i sad or miss him too much. Let me introduce them mmm..

 'The Elder Sister'. She was my senior during our college time though we are not close back at that time, but we are now (there's a reason for it though). Anyway, she's always there to calm me and giving me sort of positive thought. She replied to my emotion/sucks texts all the time and pick up my calls and patiently listening to my emotion level 100 and all the sadness and whatever whatever. Even if she's just back from work she will always be there to listen to me. I always feel relieved and better after letting out all my concern to her. i actually feel stable, my emotion kinda back to normal whenever i talk to her. It was good cause she will give me advices and the accompany she gave me by listening made me feels calm, all the time. She once gave me a quotes which written "Never Give Up On Someone You Can't Go A Day Without Thinking About". She gave this quote when i'm about to give up and she always remind me to always have a positive thought in my mind. Though right now, i couldn't hold any longer to the quote that she gave me but my heart still finding a little hope whenever my head says give up now.

 "Sis Natty". I can always count on her. She's always by my side. The one who will lend me her shoulder to cry on. Though she's away in Chiang Mai but she always make her time for me. Giving support and try everything she could to make me smile again. I couldn't ask for more from her. She reminds me that I'm worth it. She thoughts me to love myself, to respect myself before anything else. She made me realize that Myself are priceless and I worth more. She always told me to love myself first before loving others. She called me Rina Strong. It opens my eyes. I'm that Tough Cookie. Why am i so weak now? :/

"The Senyorita". Well that's what she calls herself,lol. She always made me laugh. Every time, i told her "hey, i miss him :( " . She will always find a way to make me laugh and actually forget to miss him. Nevertheless, she also finding the best idea/solution to solve my heartache. She's the one who always says "Give it a try Rina" , "Never give up for something/someone you love" , "Try your best before giving up" , " Don't give up too soon" , "Don't waste you effort by giving up now". You see, i can remember most of it, cause she keeps on saying the same things all over again! And it gives me a slight hope to try again and again and again even though i was already tired of trying (sort of waiting for miracle to happen, zzz).

I somehow feel a little relieve with their thoughts. Though nobody can actually feel how hurt it was but the accompany and positive thoughts that rain on me, i must say that i couldn't feel anything else but so blessed! When i fall down to my knee God shows me the people who cares. (Well uhm i'm not the type of person who going around brag about my problem/heartache, that's why i feel bless when the people i open up to actually the people who care about me) *tears* :') . 

The Move On:
Ok, i'm still not quite sure about this, wtf!!!! Every single day i told myself "Let's move on today" , "Take a Deep Breath and Let It Go" and so many shitsssss BUT it never worked out cause he still lingers in my mind,  pretty much, like 'muchnessss' . And to make it as more stupid story; Today i had a nightmare that he was engaged to a kinda 'big' lady that was set up by his family and he actually just agree with it. WTF!!!NO!! I saw that happening in front of my eyes (like it's on tv wtf), i watch him and that lady ride on a motorcycle (wtf) and leave the place. The next thing i know, i was done watching them (as i can no longer see them), turn my head to the bed next to me and saw him laying down, watching that tv with me and just relaxing and chill without any emotions (omg). I woke up with big eyes and laying down on my bed thinking; What kind of dream is this (what does it tries to tell me)? Is that real (the engaged)? What if it's happen (that engaged thing)? and then i put myself in a bad emotion AGAIN. Keep on thinking about it and more and more other things, like what if he already has a new girlfriend, what if he get back with his loooooooong lost ex girlfriend, what if THIS AND THAT, so many what ifs in my minds (which are all negatives). And i was so devastated. I dont know what was happening to me :'(  . I can't see myself completely moving on yet. Maybe it takes some time. Yet, i have no idea what so special about him that i couldn't let go till now. Hmm.. Maybe it's my hopes and expectations that hurts me way too much. Shame on me. :/ 

The Me:
Wtf is this? I don't know! This post was kinda absurd but that's what happening to me and I'm absurd now. Like literally. No!! Just needed some time maybe to find my way back, to find myself back. Uh Oh.. As you can see in my olddddd post, i'm now sort of living alone. Talking more about this, let me tell you, I actually started to love the spirit of living alone/independently. When i had my heart broken early this year, i was actually at my hometown. I found myself so broke down that there's nothing i can do about it even after all the words of encouragements and self recovery that i did. So i decided to get back to my house now as soon as possible, so that i can count on myself, to find peace and calm within myself, all by myself. Slowly, i see that shadow to my way back, though it was still blur but i think i started to see the road. I found out, I'm comfortable like this. I hate being lonely and alone (to me alone and lonely hold two different meanings)  but sometime being alone is all i need to recover the pains i had. I need to see and think all the possibilities on my own. With no one by my side (they are not exactly next to me but invisibly there to care) to tap my shoulder and tell me "hey you're wrong/right", in fact they are just there to advice without affecting my decision. I know, whatever my decisions are they will standing still with me. AND now it feels, for the time being, i don't wanna go home (hometown) yet. I want to stay here for awhile finding myself that lost; the missing part of my life that i've been searching all this while, my dreams and my hopes, my future (that still blurry). I need to find myself that was lost. I'm lost, so lost. 

The Freilos':
It means goodbye in German, i began to love this word; Freilos. I dont know why. Maybe because i never stop saying goodbye. It ends here for this post. I became a little emotional by the time i type 'The Me' chapter, lol! I never stop being emotional wtffff!! I need to get rid of it. I still remember telling one of my close friend to stop being so emotional and just be happy. But now, it happens the other way around. So that friend told me, "If I Can Do It, You Can Too". So irony and life was so crazy. It is sure as hell was a wheel!





Saturday, January 4, 2014

I just want roses.


Happy New Year 2014 to all :)
What's your new year resolution? lol!
Nahh.. i don't have any, i'm the type of person who doesn't own new year resolution

I think nothing really change for me so far
When i thought i already stumble on happiness, it was false alarm :(
I'm sad again, when can i deserve true happiness? :/
Well, yeah i know i'm already have the best, i'm already awesome
I just need to realized about it.
Someone always remind me; 
''LOVE YOURSELF MORE, before loving others''
 another one once told me;
''Don't fall too hard, don't cry for someone who don't deserve it"
and another told me;
''Love them for only what they deserve, don't hurt yourself''
I guess they were right.

All this while, i was surrounded by the people who cares
I'm trying to prove them, i was right this time, i was good this time.
But maybe not yet, maybe it's too soon :(
I was still fragile, maybe at times i failed being that TOUGH COOKIE i always mention
I reminded myself all the time, to be strong, to be tough, and never cry!

Rina,
Take a deep breath and let it go!
I guess this is the best time to give up, before it hurts more :(
And
If he really cares like what they said, he'll find his way back
If he doesn't, you know that you got to move on now.
After all, don't wait for someone who don't want to be there at the first place.

Be strong ! You are one tough cookie !